Risk or Settle? My Idol story
There I was, 22 years old with my suitcase barely unpacked.
I'd moved to Melbourne to "follow my dreams" and the first step on that journey was standing in this queue.
Swathes of people just like me, full of hope and fist-clenching anxiety.
Trying to tune out the loud voices of self doubt with pep talks and positive affirmations.
I was here. Where I told my friends and family I'd be.
In the line for Australian Idol auditions.
Now you must know that even typing that, sharing this with you, makes me feel sick.
Reliving these moments is not on my Top 400 things I want to be doing on a Thursday (or any day).
But this is important.
I'd spent the last decade of my life up to this point being told I was a great singer.
I'd been given solos. Landed roles. And won a karaoke competition just before I set sail for my new home.
So I had this platform of confidence (not that it helped my nerves on this particular morning).
Yep, this is me at about 21 (just before a gig with my Motown band).
So when I walked in the room, sang through my song (shaking) and heard the words of rejection, it landed HARD.
This is not at all how I'd imagined it would go.
Firstly, in my mind I had performed to THE judges, y'know the ones you see on TV. Not this panel of unfamiliar faces.
And secondly, I had definitely made it through the first round.
To be told "thanks but no thanks" felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.
Maybe I wasn't any good.
Maybe I'd wasted my time.
Maybe everyone had been lying to me. That platform of confidence was decimated.
AND SO I SETTLED.
I stopped going to auditions.
I told people I was focusing on my "real career" (being a personal assistant at that point).
I told myself that music had been a silly dream and it was a relief to let it go.
I repeated this for YEARS.
Really until I backed myself by finally giving myself permission to record and release original music in 2018.
Which is why I feel like I can talk about this with some authority.
I've risked. And I've settled.
And they're both painful as all hell.
But I would give anything to pull my 22 year old self up off the floor of the bathroom, mascara running down her face and encourage her to make a different choice.
To show her what NOT going for it would feel like.
To explain to her the emptiness I felt when I shut the door on singing and the joy it brought into my life.
The most recent risk I took also hit me in the face.
Packing up my whole life, putting it in storage and setting off for nine months around the world.
2020 and COVID-19 had other plans and now I'm in limbo here in Perth, Australia, making the best of it.
But I still wouldn't take it back.
Because for me, the pain of settling is much more uncomfortable than the fall out of a risk that didn't pay off.
So where are you at in your life?
Musically or otherwise.
Are you buried away in what feels "safer" but incredibly itchy?
Or are you extending yourself and wading into the unknown, eyes on the prize?
Desire alone cannot deliver what it is that you long for.
It needs (often awkward) action, even when your self belief feels paper thin.
The only difference between you and someone you admire that has what you want, is that they said yes.
What drives me to keep showing up is to help more singers, artists and creatives say yes more often.
To help YOU say yes more often.
Because the discomfort that comes with the yes is nothing like what comes with the no.
I hope this inspires you to take a step, even a tiny one, towards yours.
Loads of love,
