How My Perfectionism Nearly Derailed My Audition
Last night I smeared on some bright red lipstick, shimmied into an extravagant ruffled white top and set up my tripod in the best spot to get the (quickly diminishing) natural light.
I hit Record, started the karaoke track (River Deep Mountain High) and proceeded to sing my guts out.
Three quarters of the way through I messed up one of the runs.
I sighed, stopped the recording and took a deep breath.
I recognised that this was the perfect opportunity to practice what I preach.
My inner perfectionist (and the most fragile part of my ego) wanted to use me as a metaphorical punching bag.
"How could you mess it up there? It was actually going surprisingly well. It's pretty unlikely you'll be able to do it that well again.
Pfft you're too rusty, you should choose an easier song or give up on this silly idea all together."
I could've bought into those stories, deleted the video and packed away the tripod (along with the idea of auditioning at all).
But instead...
✨ I acknowledged how well it had gone and reminded myself that this was my first audition in nearly 3 years.
✨ That I was getting back on the horse and it was okay if that took a little time.
✨ I reminded myself that whether or not I did land the audition, my worth wouldn't change.
I thought about what had contributed to the mistake and came up with a plan of attack to (hopefully) correct it in the next take.
And although I felt like I'd been for a fairly quick jog around the block once I'd finished, I got through the next take without any major issues.
But then came the next mental hurdle (the one most of us hate and/or avoid).
WATCHING MY OWN PERFORMANCE BACK.
My inner perfectionist of course popped herself into the front seat and started leaning on the horn.
"I don't think that skirt is very flattering. Urgh did you hear that note, a little flat weren't we? The dancing is a little cringe isn't it? Oof that belt note has come out freer than that before..."
and on and on and on.
Perfectionism at its core is just fear.
I know that there's a part of me who is afraid of getting rejected, being laughed at and not being "good enough".
And my perfectionism is the older sister, trying to micromanage everything to make sure those things don't happen (and I don’t get hurt).
Sure, if I deleted the video and didn't submit anything for the audition, I'd avoid any chance of being rejected.
❗️But I'd also miss out on any chance at being a part of the experience I was trying out for.
❗️I'd miss out on feeling proud of myself for stretching outside my comfort zone.
❗️I'd miss out on an opportunity to do things differently in the face of possible failure.
So in these situations we get to choose which flavour of discomfort we want to deal with.
1️⃣ The heightened sensation that comes with taking a risk OR
2️⃣ The despondency when we hide and don’t even attempt to go after our desires.
(Can you guess which door I chose?)
I acknowledged that it wasn't perfect,
that yes that note was a little flat, that yes that note had been more effortless in practice...
AND that it was actually pretty damn good considering I was (also yes) a little rusty.
I was proud of myself for working diligently on it in practice, for committing to giving it a go and for bringing my performer self out of hibernation.
So whether or not I "succeed", the whole experience was already valuable and successful in my eyes.
"Healing" your perfectionism doesn't mean getting rid of it.
❌ It doesn't mean those negative thoughts won't be the first things that swirl around your brain when you do something brave or vulnerable.
✅ It means that you don't let those initial (fearful) reactions be labeled as THE TRUTH.
✅ It means you learn to move into a dialogue with yourself, stepping in with compassion and understanding.
This singing journey of yours gets to be about so much more than building those soaring high notes and eliminating strain.
It gets to be about deepening your relationship with yourself, rewiring old patterns of thinking and growing your capacity for challenge, vulnerability and being seen.
All this to say, you're not alone if you're arm-wrestling your inner perfectionist on the daily, I'm in the trenches with you.
But I hope this story encourages you to move towards what it is that you really want (and who you want to become) even when you're scared or uncertain.
xx