A Love Letter to the Singer Who Feels They Should Be "Over Stage Fright by Now"
Ever wondered why it’s not getting any easier to sing in front of other people, no matter how many times you do it?
That’s in no way because you should give up on your dream of performing.
It’s because the same approach that works for learning the skill of singing is not the best one for slaying stage fright.
Your fears about performing are about much more than singing.
It’s about feeling exposed and unsure if what you want to come out of your mouth actually will.
It’s worrying about judgment, rejection and criticism from other people.
It’s about wanting to prove that you belong up there and freaking out that a single mistake means that’s not true.
No wonder you end up frozen in place or trembling!
But here are 3 things I want you to know that will help you be kinder to yourself while navigating performance anxiety.
#1
Just because you might be an advanced singer, doesn’t mean you “should be” an advanced performer.
Think about this - the only chance you get to practice performing is in an actual performance.
I think we assume that singing skills = all the confidence we need when it comes to performance.
But trust in our vocal ability is only one slice of the pie.
Performing is about visibility and vulnerability.
It’s about how you feel you’re perceived and what you make that mean.
And navigating that is a completely different kettle of fish than honing your technical singing skills.
It requires working with …
your thoughts/beliefs and how you relate to them,
your nervous system and your ability to be with unfamiliar sensations (fast heart rate, shaky hands, sweaty palms etc)
the scared parts of yourself who have big emotions about being seen or judged
your goals and expectations.
So please start acknowledging that you can be whatever level of singer you are AND a beginner performer.
#2
Context matters.
Not all performance situations should be created equal (and yet I bet your inner critic has been acting like they are).
You will likely feel safer in some situations than others and your feelings and expectations will change depending on things like …
who’s watching,
what’s at stake,
your comfort with the songs and
the space you’re in.
✨ You might feel really at ease recording a video and sharing it with someone, but that doesn’t mean going live on social media won’t freak you out.
✨ You might have had fun singing at karaoke but you freeze at an open mic night.
What situations feel less intense for you? Start there and work your way up to more challenging performances.
Throwing yourself in the deep end only further intensifies your anxiety. Gives yourself a chance to adjust to lower stakes options first.
AND REMEMBER, Let yourself be a beginner when YOU ARE ONE.
Let yourself be a beginner at auditions if your performance experience has so far been in front of family and friends.
Let yourself be a beginner in the recording studio even if you have years of experience performing at weddings.
#3
Your logical, rational self is not the one freaking out.
Most of our frustration about “not being over this” by now comes from our logical self telling us “It’s just singing in front of people, it’s not that big a deal!”
The problem is that that’s not the part who freezes on stage or tightens up when they squeak out a note.
The part who’s in control is the one who believes that a single mistake means they’re a failure or who assumes everyone would laugh at them.
They’re often younger parts of us who don’t trust unfamiliar situations where they can’t know the outcome for sure.
That fear puts your nervous system in fight, flight or freeze - down-regulating your pre-frontal cortex (which means you have less access to the logical, problem-solving part of your brain).
And you may have noticed: silently screaming at yourself to CALM THE F DOWN does not help.
What does help is to build your capacity to allow those sensations and do what you can to support your nervous system.
Want to find out what state you experience (fight, flight or freeze) and what you can do about it?
Learning to soften stage fright is a journey and experiencing it does NOT mean you should quit.
It means you’re human and that this is important to you.
It means you’re learning how to support yourself through challenging experiences.
And it’s a beautiful opportunity to grow your resilience, practice self-compassion and tug out some of the beliefs that are likely also sabotaging you in other areas of your life.